


Boys Will Be Boys (So Says the Patriarchy)

by ThePagemistress



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-24 01:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10731084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePagemistress/pseuds/ThePagemistress
Summary: Sebastian knows how to play this game. How to divert and distract. Right up until he doesn't.





	Boys Will Be Boys (So Says the Patriarchy)

**Author's Note:**

> For the Tumblr dialogue prompt: "You sound like you're trying to convince yourself."
> 
> (I don't usually put disclaimers on things because I figure it's obvious but since this deals in slightly more 'real' aspects than I usual tackle, I just want to EXPLICITLY say that this is 100% fiction.)

Maurizio had stumbled upon something rather peculiar.

It was his two drivers having an argument. Or perhaps argument wasn't the right word seeing as only the one of them was doing all of the yelling. Kimi was just staring back, an indecipherable look on his face.

In the two years he'd been working with the both of them, Maurizio had never seen them get into even the most minor altercation. This was...disconcerting. The moment Seb pushed Kimi, Maurizio decided to intervene.

"What is going on here?" he asked as he strode over, feeling like a teacher breaking up a fight in a playground.

Kimi didn't look at him, not breaking eye contact from Seb who, in turn, glared at Maurizio, hurt and confusion written all over his face.

"Nothing," Seb snapped. When Maurizio turned to Kimi for an answer, he didn't get one. The Finn remained tight lipped, still staring at Sebastian.

"This didn't look like nothing," he pressed, not wanting them to bottle up any problems but also not wanting punches to start being flung around for the media to see. "Is there a problem here?"

"Dunno," Kimi finally said and Seb shot him a look of anger and betrayal, as if his non-answer were too much.

"Well?" Maurizio asked, turning his question on Sebastian. And he stared in stunned silence as Seb stormed off, leaving him with Kimi who watched with a pensive look of his own. "I understand that this may be personal. But I would appreciate it if you could explain-"

"I don't know," Kimi interrupted. "He say something about the grid boys we had, I say I did not notice. And then he just continue with pressing it. Like he does. And..." Kimi trailed off. Presumably because he knew Maurizio saw what followed.

He couldn't help but think Kimi was holding something back.

~*~

When Sebastian was 12 years old, his walls were covered in pictures of Ferraris and Michael Schumacher. He idolised Michael, always saying how much he wanted to race in Formula 1 when he was older, just like him. No one really thought anything of it; kids had idols, after all.

When Sebastian was 14, many of the pictures got replaced by the new up and coming McLaren driver, Kimi Raikkonen. Seb had taken something of an interest in him when he joined Sauber the year before but it wasn't until he was signed to McLaren that it really took hold.

But it was _different_. It wasn't the same kind of interest as it was with Michael. It was more than just the way he raced, the way he worked. Sometimes, Sebastian would be lying in bed at night staring at one of the pictures he'd taped to the wall; Kimi staring back at him with bright eyes and a sly smirk on his face. And his mind would wander, imagining scenarios where they'd be racing together. Where they'd be rivals or teammates. Where Kimi would press up behind him in the garage, lips next to his ear, whispering words Sebastian could never fully form in his mind but still managed to make the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

He didn't think anything of it as his mind wandered, his fingers occasionally itching to doing the same.

Until a couple of boys from school came over one day.

They took one look at all the pictures plastered over his walls and started sniggering to themselves. Seb frowned, suddenly unsure of himself. It's not like they were close friends so he didn't exactly know where he stood with them, instead finding that he was always trying to impress them, to fit in.

"What?" he asked, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer.

They continued to snigger for a moment before the one said, "We always thought you were a bit funny."

Sebastian frowned, unclear on what they meant. "What?" he repeated.

The other boy pointed a finger at the numerous posters. "You like boys."

Sebastian had to bite his tongue to keep from spluttering out another 'what', even as he felt his face flare up. "No, I don't," he refuted. "I've always had posters."

"Yeah, of _Schumacher_ ," the first boy pointed out. "Not this pretty boy."

Seb looked up at the magazine spread in question. Kimi was in his McLaren overalls, hands on his hips and self-assured smile on his face. His eyes were the correct colour for a change; that curious light green-blue combination that magazines always felt inclined to change to an icy blue. It never looked right. Sebastian much preferred it like this. His hair was perfectly tousled and Seb had often imagined fingers running through that hair to get it to stick up in all those directions. His lips were shiny and pink, as if he'd just swiped his tongue over them.

There was another muffled 'oh my god' followed by more snickering as Seb realised he had been silently staring at the poster for too long. Panic started clawing at his throat at their reaction, his palms sweating as he tried to figure out how to salvage the situation.

He wanted to flee. He was itching to just run out of the door and leave them to laugh behind his back. Only it was _his_ bedroom, _his_ house. And he couldn't exactly tell them to leave. That would be like admitting guilt. Did he have anything to feel guilty for? From the burning shame in his chest and gut, he couldn't help but think yes.

"Sensitive little Seb looks like he's gonna cry," they teased. "It's just a joke, stop acting like such a girl."

But it didn't feel like a joke. It felt like humiliation.

~*~

Seb's mother's eyes widened as she entered his room several days later, interrupting his Playstation session. Where once his walls were covered in Kimi & Schumacher posters, now there were pictures of Ferraris with scantily-clad women draped over them and posters of girl bands that didn't seem remotely familiar to her.

Sebastian turned to look at her when she didn't ask anything of him and his throat tightened as he watched her stare at the new decorations. He waited for some kind of admonishment or disapproving look but all she asked was, "What happened to the other pictures you had?"

He shrugged, turning back to his game so he didn't have to look at her when he answered. "Threw them away. These are better."

"You really think so?"

"Sure."

"You think this is attractive?" she asked, waving at the woman in a red bikini spread out across the hood of the Ferrari. Her tone wasn't condescending or judgemental. If anything it was curious.

Seb felt his ears burn, not wanting to discuss this with his mother. "Obviously. All the boys would."

"Not all boys, I am sure," she replied, tone still neutral but it was enough to put him even more on edge. "I saw nothing wrong with your other posters."

"Well, I prefer these ones, OK? They're hot and sexy." He said it as if attempting to make her uncomfortable so she'd leave but if anything it only served to do the opposite.

Her hesitation just exacerbated his anguish. "It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself," she muttered to herself, sounding almost apologetic. She didn't wait for a rebuttal, instead just leaving him to his game and closing the door behind her.

Sebastian hadn't thrown the pictures away.

Where plenty of boys he knew had porn mags stashes under their mattresses, he had squirreled away his posters and magazine clippings. Like some dirty little secret. 

In the middle of the night, he'd look at the women plastered across his walls, expressions sultry and inviting. He'd think about being lined up on a Formula 1 grid, all those grid girls pressed up against him, lavishing him with attention. And he'd feel barely anything. Instead, he'd find himself reaching under the mattress for the stack of pictures and shuffle through them as best he could in the low light.

There was one he was drawn to more than any other. 

It wasn't a paparazzi shot but it certainly wasn't an F1 photo shoot either. It featured Kimi and his girlfriend on the very precipice of a heated kiss. Kimi's eyes were closed, mouth open and eager and every single time Seb laid eyes on it, it floored him just as it had the first time. His throat went dry and heat would run across his skin and pool in his stomach as he took in every detail. As he imagined being on the other end of that impending kiss. As he imagined running his hands under Kimi's shirt and grinning at the little gasps that he would let out. 

He found himself getting hard at the thought of it, pressing himself against the mattress to try and find some relief before relenting and sliding a hand down instead. His thoughts and imaginings were a mess, zipping from one scenario to another quicker than he could fully visualise but he came hard and fast at the image of Kimi panting beneath him. Seb buried his face in the mattress in an effort to bite back any noises that tried to escape.

As he cleaned himself as best as he could without turning on a light, he carelessly shoved the pictures back under the mattress and rolled onto his back to once again face the myriad of women pouting down at him. Shame washed over him and he felt sick to his stomach with guilt and fear. He angrily swiped at his eyes as he began to feel tears prickle at the corner and turned back over to face an empty wall and will himself into a dreamless sleep.

He threw all the clippings away the next morning.

~*~

The teasing died down at school once Sebastian figured out The Trick. Instead of getting defensive whenever he got called sensitive or girly or gay or too touchy-feely, all he had to do was divert the conversation to girls and they'd almost immediately forget the original accusation as they began discussing Britney Spears or whoever was the popular choice of the week. It was stupid but it worked. And that was all that mattered.

When Sebastian finally made his way into F1, he was expecting it to be more challenging but incredibly enough, it was easier. For the most part, he was always so focused on the cars and his job that it didn't even crop up. 

When he'd first started getting close with Kimi, it had been...a little challenging. The memories were still fresh enough to leave a bitter taste in his mouth and an sharp itch in his hands but a convincing mantra of telling himself that he was just a kid back then and he'd grown out of that phase managed to make the relationship easier.

The only hiccup was in 2009 when his mother of all people commented on their relationship.

"I think he is good for you. You have been much more open lately."

When Sebastian had asked her what she meant, she clarified that he'd stopped being so handsy in the last few years and seemed to temper his enthusiasm in certain situation when he'd always been very emotional and passionate. Seb knew there was some truth to that but he hadn't thought it had been all that obvious. But looking at it, he had to admit that Kimi had played a part. He was always referred to as the Iceman but he was actually one of the most tactile people Seb had ever met. And it was kind of catching.

Even after Kimi left F1 at the end of 2009, his impression still remained and Sebastian found himself the most comfortable that he'd felt in ages. He was living his dream of fighting for championships and he was celebrating the way he wanted to. He hugged, he kissed, he cried and lavished his team with love. He was comfortable in himself.

Comments still cropped up every once in a while, of course. Off-handed comments made in interviews and Seb would just bat them away like a badminton volley. The Trick still worked, the same one he'd employed at school. If someone decided to make something of his nature, it was easily passed over with an off-handed comment of his own. It had become so ingrained in him that he didn't even think twice about it; a reflex. A Pavlovian response, even. 

"Why do we have grid boys?" 

"Well, I prefer girls, obviously." 

"Despite being into women I hope to give you a lot of hugs this year!"

 

It was an instantaneous thing. A perfect deflection.

Right up until it came from Kimi Raikkonen.

It had caught him completely off-guard, he didn't even remember what they had been talking about before hand. But Kimi had mentioned something about the grid boys they'd had earlier in the day and Sebastian had automatically responded the way he always did. Only Kimi didn't laugh and change the subject.

"I did not even suggest anything. You just bring it up a lot, is all."

He didn't say it maliciously. It was as calm and measured as anything he ever said but it still left Sebastian at a loss for words. Which was unfortunate because the silence was what undoubtedly prompted the Finn to continue.

"I think that maybe you protest too much over it, huh?"

He said it with a smile, teasing but also...open. Coaxing. It didn't deserve what followed.

Sebastian felt himself transported back into his bedroom, a 14 year old boy being ridiculed for who he was, or perhaps who he could be if he let himself. The rising panic and fear gripped him once more. But where it had previously left him numb and rooted to the spot, now he felt an almost savage need to lash out.

Which was exactly what he did.

And he didn't even know most of what he was saying as it came rushing out of his mouth, snapping and biting, defensive and accusing. All the while Kimi remained silent; the slight widening of his eyes the only inclination of his surprise at the vitriolic outburst.

The moment it looked like he was going to say something, Sebastian shoved him, suddenly desperate not to hear it. And then Maurizio was there, concern written all over his face. But not for Sebastian, no. For Ferrari. For the harmony of the team. Nothing could disrupt that, nothing. 

When questioned, Kimi remained tight-lipped. And Sebastian _hated_ him for it. But not nearly as much as he hated himself as he turned away from them in silence, even as the blood roared in his ears.

Within moments, Sebastian's throat grew thick with regret at all the words that had forced their way out. Things that he'd bottled up for so long, things that he didn't think were a problem any more. Or had at least convinced himself weren't a problem any more. If they had even been a problem to begin with.

He'd dug this hole for himself. Deeper and deeper over the course of so many years and now here he was. Trapped at the bottom, with no way out. Only Kimi had just given him a way out. That teasing smile...it had also been curious, probing. It had been an opening. And not only had Sebastian thrown it away but perhaps so much more to go along with it.

He knew Kimi well enough now to know that he wouldn't broach the subject again. If Sebastian wanted to go there, it would be down to him. 

Did he want to?

As he found his way back to his hotel room, collapsing on the bed, the last of his energy spent, he repeated that question over and over. Did he want to? Did he want to go down that path? Did he want to see what would be in store? Did he want to risk everything?

Did he want to?

No.

Not yet.

Not now.

But maybe. Some day.


End file.
